Ok, so now I'm just waiting. I'm soooo over this. I went to the doctor again this morning. She said the cervix is even more soft, the mucus plug coming out is a good sign, the baby dropped way low, but I'm no further dialated. In an effort to speed things along, she stripped the membranes. Again.
OW.
I think I've said enough about that, though. Needless to say, it set off some inconsistent contractions, but nothing more. Now I'm doing nothing with my time and waiting for her to pop out. I've now taught myself to knit and am trying to make the baby a blanket, but my arms get sore, so I have to take breaks. Usually I go on walks, but seeing as this blog is also a source of entertainment for some, I thought I'd provide you with what is, in my opinion, the best of YouTube baby videos. Enjoy!
Scared Kids:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XG0lQXR6gzA&NR=1 (have to wait till the end for the funniest part)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pup-Ydpn4z8&feature=related (again, wait for it)
Kids and bad language:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pj2Nutu5v8&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uq05IcLBEBM&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkkvoipubtQ&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lOozkxLp1A&feature=related
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/74
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/33f2687080
Laughing at their expense:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9yAkBSrMk0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OBlgSz8sSM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pihygVBjAYU&feature=related (wait till the end)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nG6ieU89tJM&feature=related
Baby Laughter:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_mBLWpdwnI&NR=1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXXm696UbKY&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41BvNhzl83Y
Teeheehee. Maybe one day I'll have such amusing videos about Ava.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Stripped
So I had my appointment yesterday morning. I went in thinking that perhaps my doctor would pull out a planner and ask if Wednesday at 9 am or Thursday at 2 pm was better for me for an induction, but no such luck. Instead, I walked in blindly to a rather painful experience. As the doctor performed the internal (which is uncomfortable to begin with), a frown crossed her face. Hand still thrust within she said, "Well, you're still not dialated enough to induce. What I'm going to do now is strip your membranes, hopefully get things moving."
OW.
Yeah, so that hurt. A lot. I sat there wincing, completely clueless about what the hell she was doing. As she snapped her gloves off, she said she'd see me at 9 am on Thursday and we'd see where to go from there.
OW.
The drive home was nerve-wracking. I was in so much pain, but it wasn't the wave-like pain that so many women describe when discussing contractions. Instead, it was like someone had stuck some kind of pole into my insides and was twisting slowly and deliberately- like my internal organs were functioning like a towel being twisted. I called my mom to let her know what was up, and she sounded just as quizzical as I felt. I begrudgingly crawled into bed, though sleep was probably a good hour away as I lay writhing in discomfort.
OW.
I didn't get up again until like 2 in the afternoon, and by the the pain had subsided somewhat. It was at this point that I decided to figure out what the hell my doctor had actually done to me. As I read, the pain suddenly made perfect sense. "Stripping of the membranes" is a practice that is used not necessarily to induce labor, but to bring it closer and make induction a possibility. The amniotic fluid sac is attached to the side of a woman's uterus by thin layers of mucus. A doctor who wants to "strip the membranes" will insert her fingers into the pregnant woman and swipe this natural adhesive away, functionally having it float around.
This can have a variety of effects. If the woman is already super close to labor, this will set off a chain of contractions, and voila, baby en route. If not, it puts more pressure on the sac via gravity which can cause the water to break and contractions to start. If you're really close to labor as it is, this will set off labor usually in the first 24 hours (no such luck here), but the typical window for it to get the party started is 72 hours. In my case, that will be the start time of my next doctor's appointment.
Well, further armed with knowledge about what was going on in my body, I decided to start walking around in hopes that all the jostling combined with the newly liberated status of the amniotic fluid sac would cause my water to break. No go, but it did cause some contractions. We'll see what happens on today's constitutional.
One interesting note, I think my mucus plug dislodged today. I know I had already talked about this occurring, but the plug can grow back, and given that its last appearance was spotting only, it's possible that it did not fully dislodge last time. However, this time around, the discharge was far more... plug like. I won't gross you out any more than that.
The point is, things are getting closer every hour. A bunch of people are in town this weekend for some of my coaches' wedding, so maybe Ava will arrive in time to meet the whole crew. We'll just have to wait and see. Time to go walk it out. Wish me luck!
OW.
Yeah, so that hurt. A lot. I sat there wincing, completely clueless about what the hell she was doing. As she snapped her gloves off, she said she'd see me at 9 am on Thursday and we'd see where to go from there.
OW.
The drive home was nerve-wracking. I was in so much pain, but it wasn't the wave-like pain that so many women describe when discussing contractions. Instead, it was like someone had stuck some kind of pole into my insides and was twisting slowly and deliberately- like my internal organs were functioning like a towel being twisted. I called my mom to let her know what was up, and she sounded just as quizzical as I felt. I begrudgingly crawled into bed, though sleep was probably a good hour away as I lay writhing in discomfort.
OW.
I didn't get up again until like 2 in the afternoon, and by the the pain had subsided somewhat. It was at this point that I decided to figure out what the hell my doctor had actually done to me. As I read, the pain suddenly made perfect sense. "Stripping of the membranes" is a practice that is used not necessarily to induce labor, but to bring it closer and make induction a possibility. The amniotic fluid sac is attached to the side of a woman's uterus by thin layers of mucus. A doctor who wants to "strip the membranes" will insert her fingers into the pregnant woman and swipe this natural adhesive away, functionally having it float around.
This can have a variety of effects. If the woman is already super close to labor, this will set off a chain of contractions, and voila, baby en route. If not, it puts more pressure on the sac via gravity which can cause the water to break and contractions to start. If you're really close to labor as it is, this will set off labor usually in the first 24 hours (no such luck here), but the typical window for it to get the party started is 72 hours. In my case, that will be the start time of my next doctor's appointment.
Well, further armed with knowledge about what was going on in my body, I decided to start walking around in hopes that all the jostling combined with the newly liberated status of the amniotic fluid sac would cause my water to break. No go, but it did cause some contractions. We'll see what happens on today's constitutional.
One interesting note, I think my mucus plug dislodged today. I know I had already talked about this occurring, but the plug can grow back, and given that its last appearance was spotting only, it's possible that it did not fully dislodge last time. However, this time around, the discharge was far more... plug like. I won't gross you out any more than that.
The point is, things are getting closer every hour. A bunch of people are in town this weekend for some of my coaches' wedding, so maybe Ava will arrive in time to meet the whole crew. We'll just have to wait and see. Time to go walk it out. Wish me luck!
Saturday, July 19, 2008
I have less patience than my kitten
Well, my water hasn't broken. Contractions aren't regular. Only thing I can count on is my back killing me without a thing I can do about it. Like I've said before, though, I'm not going to go waste my time in the hospital to have them tell me that I'm not in labor yet- especially since I know that already. GAHHH. I just keep thinking about Monday- my light at the end of the tunnel. It's unlikely that my doctor will induce labor ON Monday if it's something she wants to do anyways; she's far too scheduled for it to happen that way. Still, answers or timelines or time "horizons" if you prefer Bush lingo would be FANTASTIC.
I'm more than ready. The car is packed, the house is clean, I've made Ava a dress that actually has a ghost of a chance of fitting for once, plans have been made for when the family will descend, and I even think the cats (subconsciously) are prepared for her arrival. I find myself continuously watching the clock without an end in sight. I'm staying hydrated and active- where is she!?
I'm more than ready. The car is packed, the house is clean, I've made Ava a dress that actually has a ghost of a chance of fitting for once, plans have been made for when the family will descend, and I even think the cats (subconsciously) are prepared for her arrival. I find myself continuously watching the clock without an end in sight. I'm staying hydrated and active- where is she!?
Friday, July 18, 2008
Who's the real baby?
Owwwwwww. I'm freakin' miserable right now. I guess it started last night. I went to go see "The Dark Knight" (which was, by the way, AMAZING), and within minutes of sitting down in the theater, was experiencing bad lower back pain. I just wrote it off to bad movie theater seating, and chose to grit my teeth through the film rather than miss a minute of Heath Ledger's performance (totally Oscar-worthy, in my book). By the time I got home, I was so pre-occupied with the film and so wiped out that I wrote the back pain off as a casualty of cinematic bliss and headed to sleep.
Not only did I sleep fitfully with nightmare after nightmare, I woke up several times to pee, and would wind up hurting badly. Again, though, I was so tired that I would eventually drift off. I wound up waking up around noon, as the boy and I were both working at one. My back continued to hurt, and I just felt like crap. No matter how I sat or laid down, no matter how I stretched or rested, the pain persisted. I was exhausted, too. I took a nap part way through my day, but could have slept for hours longer.
When I finally finished my work for the day around 8 pm (no, I didn't work for 7 hours; my job is very flexible and from home), I still felt awful. However, the possibility of the doctor inducing on Monday (however slim it may be) has been weighing heavily on my mind, so I announced to the boy that I'd be back in a bit after I cleaned the bathroom. Well, I had the best of intentions. I walked to the restroom and promptly walked- well, more like slouchingly shuffled- back to the couch. He was in the middle of a video game, which usually translates into on a different planet, but he slowly set down the controller and came to my side, trying to figure out what was going off. I brushed him off, saying I was just having a contraction. Most guys might freak out when they hear that, but my guy has heard it so frequently with all the false labor issues I've had that he just nodded with a look of skepticism and eventually returned to his game.
Well, after eating the super nutritious dinner of Domino's pizza (my hellish day had translated into a lack of grocery shopping, and thus no food in the house), I was still hurting. I have tried to be very conservative with any kind of pain killers these days just in case labor does come and it might interfere with my ability to be given an epidural (not even sure if that's a rational concern, but I'm pregnant and don't need to be rational). However, facing a long evening of misery, I bit the bullet and took one Tylenol 3 with Codeine.
That was probably an hour and a half to two hours ago. I still hurt. My upper back pain is pretty constant, and I'll chalk that one up to the strain my humongous breasts are exerting, but my lower back pain is coming in waves. I had read that for women who experience "back labor," this is how it starts. However, after two false alarms and wasted trips to the hospital, I am not going anywhere until I absolutely have to. Now, that may be in a couple of hours, or that may wait until my doctor's appointment on Monday. Personally, I'm hoping that whatever this pain is goes away quickly or produces a child in my arms pronto (well, not quite- I still want to get the bathroom cleaned).
I'm going to go back to the fetal position again. Wish me luck.
Not only did I sleep fitfully with nightmare after nightmare, I woke up several times to pee, and would wind up hurting badly. Again, though, I was so tired that I would eventually drift off. I wound up waking up around noon, as the boy and I were both working at one. My back continued to hurt, and I just felt like crap. No matter how I sat or laid down, no matter how I stretched or rested, the pain persisted. I was exhausted, too. I took a nap part way through my day, but could have slept for hours longer.
When I finally finished my work for the day around 8 pm (no, I didn't work for 7 hours; my job is very flexible and from home), I still felt awful. However, the possibility of the doctor inducing on Monday (however slim it may be) has been weighing heavily on my mind, so I announced to the boy that I'd be back in a bit after I cleaned the bathroom. Well, I had the best of intentions. I walked to the restroom and promptly walked- well, more like slouchingly shuffled- back to the couch. He was in the middle of a video game, which usually translates into on a different planet, but he slowly set down the controller and came to my side, trying to figure out what was going off. I brushed him off, saying I was just having a contraction. Most guys might freak out when they hear that, but my guy has heard it so frequently with all the false labor issues I've had that he just nodded with a look of skepticism and eventually returned to his game.
Well, after eating the super nutritious dinner of Domino's pizza (my hellish day had translated into a lack of grocery shopping, and thus no food in the house), I was still hurting. I have tried to be very conservative with any kind of pain killers these days just in case labor does come and it might interfere with my ability to be given an epidural (not even sure if that's a rational concern, but I'm pregnant and don't need to be rational). However, facing a long evening of misery, I bit the bullet and took one Tylenol 3 with Codeine.
That was probably an hour and a half to two hours ago. I still hurt. My upper back pain is pretty constant, and I'll chalk that one up to the strain my humongous breasts are exerting, but my lower back pain is coming in waves. I had read that for women who experience "back labor," this is how it starts. However, after two false alarms and wasted trips to the hospital, I am not going anywhere until I absolutely have to. Now, that may be in a couple of hours, or that may wait until my doctor's appointment on Monday. Personally, I'm hoping that whatever this pain is goes away quickly or produces a child in my arms pronto (well, not quite- I still want to get the bathroom cleaned).
I'm going to go back to the fetal position again. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
HAHAHAHA- you are kidding, right?
So the pregnancy forum (I know, I know- but it's not the same situation as before).... Man, I swear, if you're ever bored, just go check out these message boards. You'll cry, you'll laugh, you'll recoil in disgust, you'll want to hand out free hugs, potentially get knocked up yourself... This latest post I read, though, sent me off on a rant of a response which turned out to be a very enlightening process for myself.
So this girl is going into her senior year of college. She's married. She wants to have kids. All good. I get it. However, she also is going to be a teacher, so she has mapped out a million and one reasons why the best timing for her to conceive anytime in the near future is basically... now. She seems pretty intelligent, and this is obviously something that she and her husband have thought a lot about. To be honest, in a perfect world, their reasoning would make a lot of sense.
Unfortunately, as I've learned over the past year, nothing is ever perfect. The road ahead is always bumpy, curvy and sometimes out entirely. In my response, I shared how difficult pregnancy was for me during the school year, and went on to ask a bunch of questions about their "game plan." It's your senior year; isn't your course load going to be more difficult? Are you working? How will you save enough to afford allllll of the baby gear that's required and the medical care that is so important beforehand? Remember that pregnancy can be exhausting; will you have the energy for classes AND work? How will you afford rent, utilities, groceries, diapers, doctors visits, baby supplies and clothes, etc., with both of you only working part-time as substitute teachers? Plus, random one time expenses can throw the best laid plans off their axis. Do you have a savings base built up?
After I read through what I had written, I realized I sounded like a raving lunatic, so I put a caveat at the bottom saying that not everyone has the same experiences, and love is the most important ingredient, etc., etc. However, her story continues to resonate with me. This has been one of the hardest years of my life, and I know things are not about to get any easier. Looking back, I know I would never have chosen the path that I'm on, though it has been tremendously rewarding in some respects. I keep hearing my mom in the back of my head, clucking away that she could warn me and advise me all she wanted, but I wouldn't really understand or appreciate what she had to say until I was going through it myself. She was right. It's been much harder than I anticipated in some ways (though easier in others), and almost every turn in the road was one she had warned me about.
So I can post all I want for this girl, or anyone else. To be honest, it's all just one bit roll of the dice. We can't plan out life like it's one of this girl's lesson plans, or a debate case, or itinerary. Life's messy. You're going to get dirty. Things won't turn out the way you plan them. So I guess I'll just keep laughing, because a sense of humor is the only thing that is ALWAYS a good idea.
So this girl is going into her senior year of college. She's married. She wants to have kids. All good. I get it. However, she also is going to be a teacher, so she has mapped out a million and one reasons why the best timing for her to conceive anytime in the near future is basically... now. She seems pretty intelligent, and this is obviously something that she and her husband have thought a lot about. To be honest, in a perfect world, their reasoning would make a lot of sense.
Unfortunately, as I've learned over the past year, nothing is ever perfect. The road ahead is always bumpy, curvy and sometimes out entirely. In my response, I shared how difficult pregnancy was for me during the school year, and went on to ask a bunch of questions about their "game plan." It's your senior year; isn't your course load going to be more difficult? Are you working? How will you save enough to afford allllll of the baby gear that's required and the medical care that is so important beforehand? Remember that pregnancy can be exhausting; will you have the energy for classes AND work? How will you afford rent, utilities, groceries, diapers, doctors visits, baby supplies and clothes, etc., with both of you only working part-time as substitute teachers? Plus, random one time expenses can throw the best laid plans off their axis. Do you have a savings base built up?
After I read through what I had written, I realized I sounded like a raving lunatic, so I put a caveat at the bottom saying that not everyone has the same experiences, and love is the most important ingredient, etc., etc. However, her story continues to resonate with me. This has been one of the hardest years of my life, and I know things are not about to get any easier. Looking back, I know I would never have chosen the path that I'm on, though it has been tremendously rewarding in some respects. I keep hearing my mom in the back of my head, clucking away that she could warn me and advise me all she wanted, but I wouldn't really understand or appreciate what she had to say until I was going through it myself. She was right. It's been much harder than I anticipated in some ways (though easier in others), and almost every turn in the road was one she had warned me about.
So I can post all I want for this girl, or anyone else. To be honest, it's all just one bit roll of the dice. We can't plan out life like it's one of this girl's lesson plans, or a debate case, or itinerary. Life's messy. You're going to get dirty. Things won't turn out the way you plan them. So I guess I'll just keep laughing, because a sense of humor is the only thing that is ALWAYS a good idea.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Waiting sucks
Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby.
I wish she were here already! I have done everything I can think of. The nursery is set, the house is clean, and I'm getting to the point that I'm compulsivley cleaning things that don't need to be cleaned just so I feel useless. I can't even let myself just relax and do nothing. For example, today I put together a puzzle, watched a movie and texted back and forth all at once. I still felt like I wasn't doing enough. I'm going absolutely stir crazy.
I guess I will just have to wait. I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday, so we'll see what she has to say about potential arrival times. Oh Ava- would you hurry up already?
I wish she were here already! I have done everything I can think of. The nursery is set, the house is clean, and I'm getting to the point that I'm compulsivley cleaning things that don't need to be cleaned just so I feel useless. I can't even let myself just relax and do nothing. For example, today I put together a puzzle, watched a movie and texted back and forth all at once. I still felt like I wasn't doing enough. I'm going absolutely stir crazy.
I guess I will just have to wait. I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday, so we'll see what she has to say about potential arrival times. Oh Ava- would you hurry up already?
Monday, July 14, 2008
Waitin' for my rocket to come
DAMN IT! So, long story short, I thought I was leaking amniotic fluid (I wasn't), got sent to the hospital again, and the internal they had to do to check it has now set off the baby on the kicking spree from hell. My only hope at this point is that her karate skills will actually rupture the membranes and she'll arrive. If not, then I'm just in for misery as a result of me trying to look out for her. AGH!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Blue, baby, blue
Ok, so now I can't stop crying. My mom and sister just left after visiting for a few blissful days, and I'm bawling like a baby. I have been so good about putting on a brave face for the last 9 months, but going back to normal now that the family has come and gone and the hormones are raging, the mask is off and I'm a big, blubbering baby.
The visit was absolutely wonderful- don't get me wrong. They got in early afternoon on Wednesday, and we got some lunch, walked the mall and hung out a little at my place. I had busted my butt getting the duplex presentable, staying up till like 5 am the night before cleaning compulsively, so it was rewarding to show off all the hard work I've put into this place. It's not perfect, but I'm proud of it. They brought me a birthday present, too! A beautiful purple sewing box with all the fixings. I was so excited I made Ava a dress that night- though it was too small, and I initially forgot to leave openings for holes. I guess that's what I get for not using a pattern. Oh well- if at first you don't succeed...
Yesterday we had the doctor's appointment. At first, the nurse said they couldn't come in, but after I begged, pointing out that they had driven all the way from Chicago, they were able to stay for the first part of the appointment and hear the heartbeat. The look on their faces was well worth the wait. After they were ushered out, the doctor did the internal exam, and said I was 1 centimeter dialated, 70% effaced, and the baby was in position and ready to go. She also guesstimated that the baby is about 7 lbs! What this means, functionally, is that she's a-comin'.
Well, as soon as I told my mom all of this, the day became about ways to try to get me to go into labor while she was in town :) We visited the speech office, went shopping for nursing bras, and eventually wound up relaxing at their hotel for awhile while the boy worked out some issue with our car (long story). Once he had all of it sorted out, we met up and went for a hike at the nearby Lost River Cave. Sweaty and tired, we decided to refresh by grabbing a Starbucks (shaken iced tea lemonade for me!) and swimming at their hotel pool. The water felt wonderful with the baby, but then her mood took a turn. It was almost like she could sense the visit was coming to an end, and she started trying to push her way through my pelvic floor. Of course, while baby may have wanted to meet Grandma Nelson, my body wasn't quite ready for it, so all she succeeded in was making me uncomfortable. My mom was thoroughly amused, because all of her pushing resulted in her little butt being jutted out of my stomach. Funny in theory, perhaps- but not in practice!
Once the pains had subsided a bit, we all went to our places and got ready for dinner at the Outback. Not only was the food great, but it was nice to just kick back and relax together. As the night drew to a close, we were all a little reluctant to say goodbye, so my mom made it easier by proposing breakfast for this morning. While the boy had to work, I was glad to have one more chance to hang out before they returned for Chicago.
Unfortunately, we were all so wiped out from the past couple of days that we all overslept, and by the time everyone was ready to go, they needed to hit the road in order to avoid really bad traffic on the way back. They came over to say goodbye for a few minutes, and I kept the incoming tsunami of tears back as they headed out the door. I know that it was hard for my mom to begin with, and I didn't want to make things more difficult. As soon as the front door was closed, though... I lost it.
It's not that I regret moving down here, or the baby, or any of it. I love the man I'm with, I love this baby so much it hurts, and I'm proud of how much I've accomplished on my own. Still, it's not easy. I've been kind of anti-social by nature, and the end result has been keeping most people at arm's length. While sometimes this practice has been self-preservation, now I'm just very lonely, and very pregnant, and missing my family very, very much. If I wasn't ready to pop, I would just drive home at times like these for a few days or a week, but as it stands, I'm just kind of stranded and helpless. My mom laughed when I said I wanted to try to drive home with the baby over labor day weekend, but I was dead serious. All I know is something's gotta give before my sanity does.
I wish Ava were here.
The visit was absolutely wonderful- don't get me wrong. They got in early afternoon on Wednesday, and we got some lunch, walked the mall and hung out a little at my place. I had busted my butt getting the duplex presentable, staying up till like 5 am the night before cleaning compulsively, so it was rewarding to show off all the hard work I've put into this place. It's not perfect, but I'm proud of it. They brought me a birthday present, too! A beautiful purple sewing box with all the fixings. I was so excited I made Ava a dress that night- though it was too small, and I initially forgot to leave openings for holes. I guess that's what I get for not using a pattern. Oh well- if at first you don't succeed...
Yesterday we had the doctor's appointment. At first, the nurse said they couldn't come in, but after I begged, pointing out that they had driven all the way from Chicago, they were able to stay for the first part of the appointment and hear the heartbeat. The look on their faces was well worth the wait. After they were ushered out, the doctor did the internal exam, and said I was 1 centimeter dialated, 70% effaced, and the baby was in position and ready to go. She also guesstimated that the baby is about 7 lbs! What this means, functionally, is that she's a-comin'.
Well, as soon as I told my mom all of this, the day became about ways to try to get me to go into labor while she was in town :) We visited the speech office, went shopping for nursing bras, and eventually wound up relaxing at their hotel for awhile while the boy worked out some issue with our car (long story). Once he had all of it sorted out, we met up and went for a hike at the nearby Lost River Cave. Sweaty and tired, we decided to refresh by grabbing a Starbucks (shaken iced tea lemonade for me!) and swimming at their hotel pool. The water felt wonderful with the baby, but then her mood took a turn. It was almost like she could sense the visit was coming to an end, and she started trying to push her way through my pelvic floor. Of course, while baby may have wanted to meet Grandma Nelson, my body wasn't quite ready for it, so all she succeeded in was making me uncomfortable. My mom was thoroughly amused, because all of her pushing resulted in her little butt being jutted out of my stomach. Funny in theory, perhaps- but not in practice!
Once the pains had subsided a bit, we all went to our places and got ready for dinner at the Outback. Not only was the food great, but it was nice to just kick back and relax together. As the night drew to a close, we were all a little reluctant to say goodbye, so my mom made it easier by proposing breakfast for this morning. While the boy had to work, I was glad to have one more chance to hang out before they returned for Chicago.
Unfortunately, we were all so wiped out from the past couple of days that we all overslept, and by the time everyone was ready to go, they needed to hit the road in order to avoid really bad traffic on the way back. They came over to say goodbye for a few minutes, and I kept the incoming tsunami of tears back as they headed out the door. I know that it was hard for my mom to begin with, and I didn't want to make things more difficult. As soon as the front door was closed, though... I lost it.
It's not that I regret moving down here, or the baby, or any of it. I love the man I'm with, I love this baby so much it hurts, and I'm proud of how much I've accomplished on my own. Still, it's not easy. I've been kind of anti-social by nature, and the end result has been keeping most people at arm's length. While sometimes this practice has been self-preservation, now I'm just very lonely, and very pregnant, and missing my family very, very much. If I wasn't ready to pop, I would just drive home at times like these for a few days or a week, but as it stands, I'm just kind of stranded and helpless. My mom laughed when I said I wanted to try to drive home with the baby over labor day weekend, but I was dead serious. All I know is something's gotta give before my sanity does.
I wish Ava were here.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Getting to the finish line
Yay! Ava is medically, officially full term as of TODAY! Woohoo! That means a few things. One, my uterus has done its job and she has grown to be a healthy, viable baby, so I didn't screw up too badly anywhere along the line. Two, they for sure won't stop labor if it starts now, barring some unforseen event. Woohoo! Good things, good times, and really, good grief. Now it's just a big ole waiting game (hah, like it wasn't before).
The past two days, she has been fairly quiet, actually. There was a one or two week period there where she was really active, all the time. I wrote it off to her getting cramped and tired of small spaces. At first I was worried about the inactivity, but my grandma said that as long as she is still moving sometimes, it's totally normal. It's just gotten to the point that she doesn't even have enough room to kick me- which is fine by me! Less pain and more of a chance she'll get sick of it all and push off. My grandma also said that quiet days usually directly proceed labor. Also fine by me. Kind of. Sort of. My nesting, however hardcore it may be, is also intermittent, so I'm not entirely ready. However, given that my mother is descending upon our new place tomorrow for the first time, we'll have to be good to go at that point, so I'm not too worried.
Still, I don't know that all the planning and preparation in the world can ease all of the fears. After my last post about some of the things I'd been freaking out about, a few people reached out to calm me down (much appreciated, by the way). That's actually helped with a lot of the logical, immediate concerns I've had. Unfortunately, my mind, I guess, is still ill at ease, because once the dreams begin when I go to bed, it's a nightmarish roller coaster. I've dreamt of indentured servitude, the baby being born with a tumor on her eye, rolling over on the baby, the boy's brother's girlfriend being rushed to the emergency room (there's a mouthful for ya!), and not being able to find the baby after letting someone hold her for a bit. NOT fun stuff to wake up thinking about. Still, at least the "boy leaving me" scenario has been tabled. If he's in the dreams ever these days, he's super supportive. Kind of like real life :)
Actually, the other night I was really feeling ill, and he was a super hero. It had started earlier in the day when I began feeling kind of weak. I just figured I was hungry because, well, I can always eat these days, plus I'd been cleaning and reorganizing things in the living room all afternoon. I ate a little bit, felt a little bit better, and then started getting hot flashes and the chills. At that point, I thought maybe I was getting dehydrated again, so I started drinking more water. Unfortunately, by the time I went to bed, I felt even worse. I thought I might throw up, explode, give birth, or all three at once. There were nausea pains paired with false labor pains, and I was most certainly in tears. We'd been trying to watch an episode of Weeds, but I just couldn't do it anymore.
The boy was great though. He walked me to the shower to make sure I didn't fall (I was feeling pretty dizzy), and then waited in the bathroom to make sure I was ok. I told him he didn't have to, that I'd call if I needed help, and he merely replied, "You feel bad, and I can't do anything to help you feel better. This is the closest to doing something that I'm going to get. Let me do it." He genuinely cares about me and the baby, and it's moments like that, where he could have just gone to bed and let me deal with my misery (as I'm rarely good company when in such pain. Think Medusa on some kind of crack) but chooses to endure my sniping instead, just to be near me, that I realize how lucky I am to have someone who cares so much about me. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man, but I am beyond thankful.
Well, I suppose I better get back into nesting mode again before I start work. Here's to Ava being medically certified to be alive!
The past two days, she has been fairly quiet, actually. There was a one or two week period there where she was really active, all the time. I wrote it off to her getting cramped and tired of small spaces. At first I was worried about the inactivity, but my grandma said that as long as she is still moving sometimes, it's totally normal. It's just gotten to the point that she doesn't even have enough room to kick me- which is fine by me! Less pain and more of a chance she'll get sick of it all and push off. My grandma also said that quiet days usually directly proceed labor. Also fine by me. Kind of. Sort of. My nesting, however hardcore it may be, is also intermittent, so I'm not entirely ready. However, given that my mother is descending upon our new place tomorrow for the first time, we'll have to be good to go at that point, so I'm not too worried.
Still, I don't know that all the planning and preparation in the world can ease all of the fears. After my last post about some of the things I'd been freaking out about, a few people reached out to calm me down (much appreciated, by the way). That's actually helped with a lot of the logical, immediate concerns I've had. Unfortunately, my mind, I guess, is still ill at ease, because once the dreams begin when I go to bed, it's a nightmarish roller coaster. I've dreamt of indentured servitude, the baby being born with a tumor on her eye, rolling over on the baby, the boy's brother's girlfriend being rushed to the emergency room (there's a mouthful for ya!), and not being able to find the baby after letting someone hold her for a bit. NOT fun stuff to wake up thinking about. Still, at least the "boy leaving me" scenario has been tabled. If he's in the dreams ever these days, he's super supportive. Kind of like real life :)
Actually, the other night I was really feeling ill, and he was a super hero. It had started earlier in the day when I began feeling kind of weak. I just figured I was hungry because, well, I can always eat these days, plus I'd been cleaning and reorganizing things in the living room all afternoon. I ate a little bit, felt a little bit better, and then started getting hot flashes and the chills. At that point, I thought maybe I was getting dehydrated again, so I started drinking more water. Unfortunately, by the time I went to bed, I felt even worse. I thought I might throw up, explode, give birth, or all three at once. There were nausea pains paired with false labor pains, and I was most certainly in tears. We'd been trying to watch an episode of Weeds, but I just couldn't do it anymore.
The boy was great though. He walked me to the shower to make sure I didn't fall (I was feeling pretty dizzy), and then waited in the bathroom to make sure I was ok. I told him he didn't have to, that I'd call if I needed help, and he merely replied, "You feel bad, and I can't do anything to help you feel better. This is the closest to doing something that I'm going to get. Let me do it." He genuinely cares about me and the baby, and it's moments like that, where he could have just gone to bed and let me deal with my misery (as I'm rarely good company when in such pain. Think Medusa on some kind of crack) but chooses to endure my sniping instead, just to be near me, that I realize how lucky I am to have someone who cares so much about me. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man, but I am beyond thankful.
Well, I suppose I better get back into nesting mode again before I start work. Here's to Ava being medically certified to be alive!
Monday, July 7, 2008
If you don't have anything nice to say, pt. 2
So, I'm aware that posting twice in one day is pretty lame, but I'm running out of steam to clean and fired up over that dumb pregnancy forum scuffle. Oi vey. I do sound like a desperate housewife, huh?
In any case, if you've been reading, you know I let some old biddies have it on a pregnancy forum I frequent from time to time. I guess that's not fair- how about inconsiderate biddies? Anyways, the initial responses were kind of a scrambled type of defense, but they soon realized that they weren't making a whole lot of sense so the situation fizzled out with the a member proposing that we all just let it go. Her proposal stood strong for several days, but then the calvary rode in. Three or four other women got on talking about how much they agreed, and how ridiculous these other women were. One of the mean ones got on and said something about it being a matter of opinion and how dare we try to suppress their opinions with ours, etc., etc. One of her friends got back on shortly thereafter, talking about how sick she and others are of hearing about stupid 15 year olds who will never learn unless a hard line is taken.
Well, as you can imagine, this got my blood boiling a little bit. I pointed out that these may all be opinions, but that the validity of an opinion can be weighed via warrants and evidence, of which some of these women had none. I also pointed out that there was no need to respond to the 15 year old girls who likely had no real knowledge of birth control to begin with if they can't keep their comments civil. Moreover, before they feel the need to dole out judgment, they should take into consideration that their comments have just as much validity as allegations that pregnancy past a certain age are irresponsible because of the risk of birth defects, or arguments that say having more than x amount of kids are irresponsible. If they wouldn't like being the target of comments like that, then perhaps they should keep their mouths shut.
It turns out that the original poster in this whole mess has been through much more than any of us originally knew, and the more recent posts responding to her situation have been far more kindly and patient. Some of these women being understanding now are the same ones that were originally so dismissive. Maybe I got through to a few of them.
You know, my sister routinely chides me for trying to save the world. I don't think I do. I just get really pissed when people pick on others who don't really have the ability to fight back. Some of these cruel posters will never change their ways, and I know I'm wasting my energy talking to them, but if this poor 17 year old girl gains a little comfort from knowing someone is in her corner, it's worth it. I'm no saint, I can't save the world, but I can try to make it a little better, right?
In any case, if you've been reading, you know I let some old biddies have it on a pregnancy forum I frequent from time to time. I guess that's not fair- how about inconsiderate biddies? Anyways, the initial responses were kind of a scrambled type of defense, but they soon realized that they weren't making a whole lot of sense so the situation fizzled out with the a member proposing that we all just let it go. Her proposal stood strong for several days, but then the calvary rode in. Three or four other women got on talking about how much they agreed, and how ridiculous these other women were. One of the mean ones got on and said something about it being a matter of opinion and how dare we try to suppress their opinions with ours, etc., etc. One of her friends got back on shortly thereafter, talking about how sick she and others are of hearing about stupid 15 year olds who will never learn unless a hard line is taken.
Well, as you can imagine, this got my blood boiling a little bit. I pointed out that these may all be opinions, but that the validity of an opinion can be weighed via warrants and evidence, of which some of these women had none. I also pointed out that there was no need to respond to the 15 year old girls who likely had no real knowledge of birth control to begin with if they can't keep their comments civil. Moreover, before they feel the need to dole out judgment, they should take into consideration that their comments have just as much validity as allegations that pregnancy past a certain age are irresponsible because of the risk of birth defects, or arguments that say having more than x amount of kids are irresponsible. If they wouldn't like being the target of comments like that, then perhaps they should keep their mouths shut.
It turns out that the original poster in this whole mess has been through much more than any of us originally knew, and the more recent posts responding to her situation have been far more kindly and patient. Some of these women being understanding now are the same ones that were originally so dismissive. Maybe I got through to a few of them.
You know, my sister routinely chides me for trying to save the world. I don't think I do. I just get really pissed when people pick on others who don't really have the ability to fight back. Some of these cruel posters will never change their ways, and I know I'm wasting my energy talking to them, but if this poor 17 year old girl gains a little comfort from knowing someone is in her corner, it's worth it. I'm no saint, I can't save the world, but I can try to make it a little better, right?
Happy Little Housewife
I am in hardcore nesting mode. However, I'm having a problem deciding whether this is due to the impending arrival of my daughter, or the impending arrival of my mom. That's right, the original Mama Nelson is coming to town on Wednesday. I know for some people, parents spell out judgment day, and at one time, I'd probably have agreed, but now... I can't wait to see my mom. Realistically, there is little she's actually going to DO, but I want to show her the new place, the baby's room, the place I'm delivering at, etc. It will be nice to hang out with her, especially since I don't really have any girlfriends around here.
But anyways- back to nesting, since it's all I can think about anyways. I really want this baby to come into a home... not a work in progress. So all the "progress" that I've been putting off (read: work) is now all-consuming. Yesterday I organized the hallway closet, hung mirrors and picture frames, decided I didn't like what was in one of the frames and painted a new picture to go in it, wiped down walls, did dishes, painted wall hangings for Ava's room, etc., etc. It already looks much more home-y, but I'm far from done. My To Do list is 2 pages long, and it will likely grow as time goes on. Perhaps this is not so out of character though... I always have a never-ending To Do list...
I did make the boy his own To Do list yesterday, but it's what to do in case of labor! It's likely the pain will make me more of a control freak than ever, allowing me to complete the majority of the necessary tasks myself, but in the event that I am so incapacitated, he has everyone's phone numbers and the locations of important information and items (maternity bag, diaper bag, etc.), so there will be no excuses :) Well I mean, there will be, he'll be about to be a father and most likely losing his mind, but we'll make it. He's been really cute lately- just walking into the baby's room and rocking in the glider. He talks to her more too; it's adorable!!
Well, time to go continue refining the nest. Hope Ava likes it!
But anyways- back to nesting, since it's all I can think about anyways. I really want this baby to come into a home... not a work in progress. So all the "progress" that I've been putting off (read: work) is now all-consuming. Yesterday I organized the hallway closet, hung mirrors and picture frames, decided I didn't like what was in one of the frames and painted a new picture to go in it, wiped down walls, did dishes, painted wall hangings for Ava's room, etc., etc. It already looks much more home-y, but I'm far from done. My To Do list is 2 pages long, and it will likely grow as time goes on. Perhaps this is not so out of character though... I always have a never-ending To Do list...
I did make the boy his own To Do list yesterday, but it's what to do in case of labor! It's likely the pain will make me more of a control freak than ever, allowing me to complete the majority of the necessary tasks myself, but in the event that I am so incapacitated, he has everyone's phone numbers and the locations of important information and items (maternity bag, diaper bag, etc.), so there will be no excuses :) Well I mean, there will be, he'll be about to be a father and most likely losing his mind, but we'll make it. He's been really cute lately- just walking into the baby's room and rocking in the glider. He talks to her more too; it's adorable!!
Well, time to go continue refining the nest. Hope Ava likes it!
Friday, July 4, 2008
Mental Fireworks
So I know most people get that super strong, nearly magnetic draw to family around times like Christmas and Thanksgiving, but for me, it's the fourth of July. It may be due to old memories. Every fourth of July, my dad would acquire some kind of illegal explosive to amuse the kids with and scare the hell out of my mom with, and we'd run around like banshees until late in the evening. Some of my more humorous childhood experiences revolve around this holiday, so it's no surprise I'm nostalgic.
It's not just nostalgia, though. It seems like everyone is staged for a family polaroid right about now. Perusing the Facebook feeds, I see pictures from parades and weddings and the whole shebang just makes me feel giddy. Don't get me wrong, I'm kind of glad Ava isn't here yet- I have a feeling the fireworks would make for a very looonnnng evening indeed- but it does make me look forward to her arrival even more. Next year, it will be us posing at the local parades, smiling behind large sunglasses and eating the Cracker Jacks that my Grandma Schmitt insisted on for every parade. It will be us cooking out while she splashes in a wading pool with her dad, and finds wonder in the sparks flying out of the end of a multicolored stick that will make my heart freeze in worry as her hand reaches out to grab its luminosity. It will be us standing by anxiously to see if fireworks delight or instill fright in our little one.
I guess I'm just in a good mood today. Not gonna knock that, though.
It's not just nostalgia, though. It seems like everyone is staged for a family polaroid right about now. Perusing the Facebook feeds, I see pictures from parades and weddings and the whole shebang just makes me feel giddy. Don't get me wrong, I'm kind of glad Ava isn't here yet- I have a feeling the fireworks would make for a very looonnnng evening indeed- but it does make me look forward to her arrival even more. Next year, it will be us posing at the local parades, smiling behind large sunglasses and eating the Cracker Jacks that my Grandma Schmitt insisted on for every parade. It will be us cooking out while she splashes in a wading pool with her dad, and finds wonder in the sparks flying out of the end of a multicolored stick that will make my heart freeze in worry as her hand reaches out to grab its luminosity. It will be us standing by anxiously to see if fireworks delight or instill fright in our little one.
I guess I'm just in a good mood today. Not gonna knock that, though.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
If you don't have anything nice to say...
When I first found out I was pregnant, I was scared witless. I think most women who are my age, unmarried, still in school, etc., would have a similar reaction. I was petrified that my family would reject me and that I would face harsh criticism from friends. Now, suffice to say, as evidenced by my prior posts, I faced no such rejection. However, I still remember the chilling uncertainty that laid before me.
It was at this time that I started turning to online forums to get some basic advice and information. I had no insurance aside from my parents', and I was wondering if prenatal care was a necessity, or really just a common practice that had grown out of cautious ways. I learned very quickly that prenatal care was very necessary, especially given the health complications I was facing. Some people were very sweet in their replies to my queries; others called me selfish for even considering an alternate route to the delivery date. I didn't post on those sites for much longer.
However, an abundance of time and concerns about the impending labor have drawn me back to these sites. Many of the posts are totally innocuous, and the majority of the users are just looking for answers and to support one another. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.
I stumbled across the case of a 17 year old girl. She had gotten pregnant and decided she couldn't keep the baby. She considered a surgical abortion, but was ultimately administered the pills for a medical abortion. She took the first one, and was given four more to take. She soon began to doubt her decision, and ultimately decided that she wanted to have the child. She did not take the rest of the pills. Her first post dealt with whether or not the child would have birth defects because of her initial reaction, and if there was any way to tell in advance. Sadly, she miscarried not long after.
Regardless of the circumstances, the loss of a desired child strikes me as a tragedy that I don't know I'd be strong enough to handle. I didn't think the girl was bright, by any means, but I understood her initial fear and felt for her loss. Her post at that point was heartfelt, as she lamented her judgment, and stood amazed by how much one could hurt over a child that they'd only known about for several weeks.
The first responses were condolences. Then started the attacks. Several women dismissed the sympathy, saying she didn't deserve any attention, she was just an immature child, and she had gotten an abortion. While many of the original respondents conveyed their continued support, the assailants continued to attack her character.
I was sick to my stomach over what I had read, but the straw that broke the camel's back came with the girl's 3rd thread. She stated that she and her boyfriend had had unprotected sex, and she wanted to know if she could be pregnant again so soon after miscarriage. Never in the post did she state or imply that she was interested in an abortion. The first response or two after her post told her that she could be, but that it was dangerous, and that she should be careful. Then the prior assailants reappeared. One slammed, "She's just a child. She shouldn't be having sex, let alone thinking about having a child herself."
That did it for me. Don't get me wrong, I don't really think the girl should be having a kid right now, either. However, I know that people probably thought/think the same thing about me. It is not my place, or anyone's, to judge, especially on an online forum where many girls without hope may turn to seek some guidance.
You may not think someone is mature enough to be having sex. You may not think they're ready for children. If they aren't asking for your opinion on the subject, though, then who are you to provide it so curtly? I just don't understand it. The condescending tone that these women took was appalling, especially because their comments were justified by self-righteous disclaimers about wanting to help and having wisdom via their age. I have no doubt that these women could be fountains of information. Unfortunately, nada one actually answered her questions about her body and the situation she was facing. How sad.
I made the decision that was right for me. I don't regret it for a second. I'm not naive, though; I know there are people who believe I chose unwisely, be it prior to or after conception. I was so lucky to be surrounded by enough loving people to write off the nay-sayers. I can only pray that this girl I stumbled across can find the same.
It was at this time that I started turning to online forums to get some basic advice and information. I had no insurance aside from my parents', and I was wondering if prenatal care was a necessity, or really just a common practice that had grown out of cautious ways. I learned very quickly that prenatal care was very necessary, especially given the health complications I was facing. Some people were very sweet in their replies to my queries; others called me selfish for even considering an alternate route to the delivery date. I didn't post on those sites for much longer.
However, an abundance of time and concerns about the impending labor have drawn me back to these sites. Many of the posts are totally innocuous, and the majority of the users are just looking for answers and to support one another. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.
I stumbled across the case of a 17 year old girl. She had gotten pregnant and decided she couldn't keep the baby. She considered a surgical abortion, but was ultimately administered the pills for a medical abortion. She took the first one, and was given four more to take. She soon began to doubt her decision, and ultimately decided that she wanted to have the child. She did not take the rest of the pills. Her first post dealt with whether or not the child would have birth defects because of her initial reaction, and if there was any way to tell in advance. Sadly, she miscarried not long after.
Regardless of the circumstances, the loss of a desired child strikes me as a tragedy that I don't know I'd be strong enough to handle. I didn't think the girl was bright, by any means, but I understood her initial fear and felt for her loss. Her post at that point was heartfelt, as she lamented her judgment, and stood amazed by how much one could hurt over a child that they'd only known about for several weeks.
The first responses were condolences. Then started the attacks. Several women dismissed the sympathy, saying she didn't deserve any attention, she was just an immature child, and she had gotten an abortion. While many of the original respondents conveyed their continued support, the assailants continued to attack her character.
I was sick to my stomach over what I had read, but the straw that broke the camel's back came with the girl's 3rd thread. She stated that she and her boyfriend had had unprotected sex, and she wanted to know if she could be pregnant again so soon after miscarriage. Never in the post did she state or imply that she was interested in an abortion. The first response or two after her post told her that she could be, but that it was dangerous, and that she should be careful. Then the prior assailants reappeared. One slammed, "She's just a child. She shouldn't be having sex, let alone thinking about having a child herself."
That did it for me. Don't get me wrong, I don't really think the girl should be having a kid right now, either. However, I know that people probably thought/think the same thing about me. It is not my place, or anyone's, to judge, especially on an online forum where many girls without hope may turn to seek some guidance.
You may not think someone is mature enough to be having sex. You may not think they're ready for children. If they aren't asking for your opinion on the subject, though, then who are you to provide it so curtly? I just don't understand it. The condescending tone that these women took was appalling, especially because their comments were justified by self-righteous disclaimers about wanting to help and having wisdom via their age. I have no doubt that these women could be fountains of information. Unfortunately, nada one actually answered her questions about her body and the situation she was facing. How sad.
I made the decision that was right for me. I don't regret it for a second. I'm not naive, though; I know there are people who believe I chose unwisely, be it prior to or after conception. I was so lucky to be surrounded by enough loving people to write off the nay-sayers. I can only pray that this girl I stumbled across can find the same.
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